For You...Maybe Too Late

I went to my first bridal expo on Sunday. It was basically what I had envisioned: Lots of vendors desperately vying for the money, I mean attention, of every unsuspecting couple walking hand-in-hand through the room.

Most of them lured us in with giveaways:
"Would you like to sign up for our $2,500.00 drawing?"
"Sign up to win a $4,000.00 photography package."
"How about a free bridal makeover?"

The woman who approached me about that last one was a real Tova Bourgnine type - each well-earned wrinkle filled in with a cakey, flesh-toned spackle that could probably double as weather proofing for her windows. I've never trusted women who put that much effort into looking that ridiculous. But...she was offering a free makeover. Put the word free in front of pretty much anything and I'm interested. So I signed up. As I stood there with the clip board, filling in my vital details, Tova began her schpeil. She told me about the company and what they do and how a typical bride would make use of their services. She told me about their products and what they're made of and was sure to mention that they don't test on animals. I was politely pretending to take it all in while resisting the temptation to ask her to say "Moose and Squirrel". Yes. The accent was as thick as the foundation.

She finally reached the culmination of her presentation and wanted to share with me the most important secret of any beauty regimen..."Moisturization - it's very important to start early." Well no shit lady. I can turn on any Dove/Oil of Olay/Neutrogena commercial for free and hear that important tidbit. I was thinking those thoughts and suppressing an eye roll when Tova casually examined my complexion and added "For you..maybe too late." WhoaWhoaWhoa - back up the truck! Did that bitch just say what I think she did?

Yes. She did.

I should have tried to make her say "Moose and Squirrel."