Something else you may not all be aware of - the inside driver's door handle on my Hyundai Elantra is broken, so if I'm inside the car, I have to roll down the window and reach outside to open the door. Sure, we could have it replaced for about a 100 bucks, but like any other couple-a-kids, we'd rather have that 100 bucks to spend on something more fun than a door handle...like Star Wars toys.
So, back to my story. I bundled up, threw on my nifty hat, headed out into the tundra and...my car wouldn't start. It whined, it sputtered, it jumped, it really tried, but it just wouldn't turn over. I sat back a moment, watching clouds of breath hover and float out the crack in the door. (Yes, I was smart enough to leave the door ajar so I wouldn't be trapped inside if my car wouldn't start - I'd be proud of this forethought if I hadn't actually learned from experience on that one.) I gave it another try...still no result.
I pulled out my phone and texted Jay: Guess whose effing car won't start?
He wrote back: Give it one more try then call AAA.
I remembered that I'd just received my new AAA card in the mail a couple days ago and forgot to put it in my wallet, so I gathered all my stuff and went back inside to make the call.
Another thing you might not be aware of - we have digital phone service. And for some reason, automated phone menus won't recognize our selections even though we're using a touch tone phone. So, the AAA menu just kept chattering away even though I chose 1 for emergency roadside assistance several times. I needed to use my cell phone.
Yet another thing you might not be aware of - I can't keep a signal on my cell phone in my apartment unless I contort myself into inhuman positions that simply were not possible while I was bundled head to foot like Randy in A Christmas Story. So I re-gathered all my stuff and headed back out into the Tundra.
Before calling, I figured I'd give it another try and was momentarily excited when I heard the pleasant sound of an engine starting and instantaneously annoyed when I realized the engine belonged to the Jeep Grand Cherokee parked next to me and had just been remotely started by the trick who lives downstairs. Talk about rubbing salt in the wound.
I tried dialing AAA, but my gloved fingers couldn't hit the right buttons, so I took off my glove and tried again. This time, instead of an automated menu, a pleasant, robotic voice asked what state I was calling from. I stammered, "Ohio" through chattering teeth.
"You're calling from Idaho. Is that correct?"
"No!" I mumbled in annoyance.
"What state are you calling from?" She asked again.
"Oh. HI. Oh" I said dramatically. My hand was turning blue as the frigid air came through the door, still slightly ajar so I wouldn't get stranded in the car.
"You're calling from Ohio. Is that correct?"
"Yes-s-s-s." Finally I was getting somewhere.
"What city are you in or near? If you don't know, say 'I Don't Know'."
"Fairfield."
"Okay. I'll transfer you to someone who can help."
Oh yay, help was only a transfer away. I waited a moment and was greeted with...a busy signal. Dammit! I was going to have to talk to the robot again. By this point, I could no longer feel my hand, so I decided to try making my call from the hallway of the apartment building. It's not heated, but at least I could close the door. So, I gathered all of my things and headed back inside.
I went through the same steps four more times, before finally being transferred to another automated menu. I pressed "1" for emergency roadside assistance and waited on hold for 15 minutes before I realized it was after 8:00 so I should probably call my boss and tell him what was going on. I reluctantly ended the call.
When I tried to call in again, I was transferred to the busy signal four more times before I decided to lie and say I was calling from Cincinnati. Another automated menu. Another "1" for emergency roadside assistance. Another 20 minutes on hold before a human being, a real, live, human being picked up. "Thank you for calling AAA, how may I help you?"
"Oh, thank God I finally got through to a human being. I'm actually calling from Fairfield but I just couldn't get..."
"I'll transfer you. Please hold"
"But..."
"Click"
And the bitch hung up on me. You're an operator. All you do is press buttons on a phone all day. How hard can it possibly be to press the right buttons!
It was now after 8:30. A full hour had passed since my ordeal had begun. If I were stranded on the roadside, in my car, with the door ajar, in yesterday's conditions, I would have been found dead of hypothermia. Surely, if that would have been the case, I would have been smart enough to call 911 before succumbing to such an arctic death, but it's the principal of the matter. That little gold card in my wallet (or on my dining room table as it was yesterday) is supposed to give me peace of mind that no matter what happens, they've got my back. That's what my Mommy pays them for. Yes. My Mom pays for my AAA membership. It's a yearly Christmas gift that I've come to love and look forward to so shut up and stop judging me. Back to my point. What the Hell AAA?!?!?
And that's exactly what I was thinking as I scanned the back of the card and noticed the website address. Ho Ho Ho...I was going to send them an e-mail they'd never forget! I rushed back into my apartment, dropped all my stuff, and charged triumphantly into the office where I was ready to give them a real inbox full. And then I noticed there was an option for emergency roadside assistance on the website. Hmmm. I decided to give it a try. I plugged in my membership number and my zip code and got a nasty "INVALID" message followed by a less nasty "Have you registered with AAA yet?"
I went through the registration process, all the way to the last step, clicked okay and was sent to...an error code. A fatal error code. The kind that shows you all the html and everything, like some programmer somewhere just threw up all over my monitor.
I grabbed my phone, grabbed my keys, grabbed my stuff and headed back out to the car, determined that if it didn't start this time I was simply going to stay home and eat cookies all day.
And it started.
Phooey, I wanted those cookies.
No comments:
Post a Comment