Perfect Ways To Piss Off People You Know & Love

• At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
• Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
• Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”
• Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.
• In the memo field of all your checks, write “For sexual favors.”
• Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
• Don’t use any punctuation.
• As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
• Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
• Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
• Sing along at the opera.
• Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
• Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
• Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
• Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, “Rock Hard.”
• When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, “I won! I won!”
• When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, “Run for your lives! They’re loose!!”
• Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”