Screwy Parker

When I was a kid and we were shopping at a large mall, my parents used to say something like "Watch out for Screwy Parker! I hear he's out today with all his friends!" I still think about that whenever I see some jackass with his front tire over the line or his back end out in traffic. It makes me giggle.

Wednesday, I actually met Screwy Parker. My friend Cindie took me out to lunch at El Rancho Grande. It's a pretty popular place at lunch time during the work week, so it's often difficult to find a parking space. Luckily, I found one with ease, right in front of a lamp post.

Our boss, Jeff, joined up with us after a few minutes and we had a great meal. (We always have a great meal there!) Anyhow, we ate, told some laughable stories, had a good time, and went out the door to head back to work. Or at least tried to head back to work. When we stepped out into the parking lot, I couldn't see my car. Jeff saw the confused expression on my face and asked "Where are you parked?" To which I responded, "I guess that's a good question..." I picked up the pace and stopped at the lamp post, where Screwy Parker had left his silver Ford Focus directly behind my car. Who the Fuck does that?!? A guy with a bumper sticker that says "Your American Flag doesn't match your foreign car", that's who.

So, we went back inside and asked them to announce the car's license plate number over the PA system. None of the employees really spoke English well enough to feel comfortable making the announcement, so they asked Jeff to do it. And he did. It was a clear, concise announcement. And if you were the driver of the car he described, you'd know it.

Nobody stepped forward. We waited ten minutes. Still nobody. So then Jeff started going table to table. (How many people have a boss that would do that for them?!?) Eventually, he came upon a guy wearing a UAW t-shirt and just knew in his gut that he was our man. He claimed to have not noticed the lamp post directly in front of my car, preventing me from exiting the space. He even tried to make small talk as we spanned the parking lot, asking Jeff what he thought of the OSU game last Saturday. Jeff, God love him, responded as curtly as possible, "Yeah, it was a great game, but it's still pretty difficult to move that car." Awkward, but funny!

So, I finally met Screwy Parker. He hates foreign cars, but really digs Mexican food. Oh, and his girlfriend never grew out of her training bra.